The Unedited Transcript of Trump-Zelensky Phone Call Reimagined for Fun and Therapy

Disclaimer: For the non-discerning clicker, the following “transcript” is a parody. Historic fiction. Mostly. It’s a cathartic way to help weather the current political super-storm. At least it is for me…

SUBJECT: Telephone Conversation with President Zelensky of Ukraine

PARTICIPANTS: President Zelensky of Ukraine

DATE, TIME
AND PLACE: July 25, 2019, 9:03–9:33 a.m. EDT, Residence

Trump: Congratulations on a great victory. No one in the United States really noticed, but they tell me you did a terrific job. The way you came from behind, somebody who wasn’t given much of a chance, and you ended up winning easily. Reminds me of me. It’s a fantastic achievement — me beating Hillary. But really, congratulations.

Zelensky: You are absolutely right Mr. President. We did win bigly, as you say, and we worked hard for this. Not as hard as you and the Mike Pence of course. But still decent hard. We worked a lot but I would like to confess to you that I kiss my copy of The Art of the Deal every night before I hit hay. Literal hay. I sleep on straw pillow.

I think I should run more often so you can call me more often and we can talk over the phone more often. And be best buddies of course. The best of buddies.

Trump: [laughter] That’s a very good idea. I think your country is very happy about that. You winning by trying to be like me, I mean.

Zelensky: Well yes, of course you are saying the truth. We work hard because we also want to drain the swamp here in our country. But swamp here is mostly frozen year-round. So, we must thaw first. And then have tiny window of two to three days for draining before it’s frozen again. We want to, how you say, ‘make Ukraine not terrible again.’ You are a great teacher for us in that. You should maybe make online university where you teach your many wisdom.

Trump: Uh… sure… uh, we’ll look into it. Well it’s very nice of you to say that. I will say that we do a lot for Ukraine. A lotttttt more than those German countries around you. They should be helping you more, so we don’t have to. All they do is talk German and I think it’s something that you should really ask them about. When I was speaking to the president of Europe Angela Merkel, she talks some Ukraine, but not very well. Her English is better than her Ukraine. But not by much. And her hair and those outfits are really very bad. But yes, she doesn’t do anything. A lot of the German countries are the same way, so I think it’s something you want to look at, but the United States has been very very good to Ukraine. I wouldn’t say that Ukraine is very very good to the United States because things are happening that are not good. Like when you let Ivan Drago come to your country and train his son. Why did Ukraine do that after everything America does for you? Because that Drago guy really tried to hurt Adonis Creed, and he did hurt him badly at first. And as you know, Adonis is the son of Apollo Creed who was a truly really great American boxing champion. Almost as great as Rocky Balboa. But the United States has been very very good to Ukraine.

Zelensky: Yes you are absolutely right. Not only 100%, but actually 1000%. And actually 1,000,000% or maybe infinity-percent. And I can tell you the following; I did talk to Angela Merkel and I did meet with her. And her hair and outfits, as you say, not so good. I also met and talked with Macron, but he speaks French, and the only French words I know is “croissant” and “baguette” so it was very short talk. Plus they have no missiles for sale.

And did I mention how happy I am that you and me are talking right now? It is like dream come true. The United States is a much bigger partner than the Europeans and I’m very grateful to you for that because the United States is doing quite a lot for Ukraine, like when you sell us Javelins. And speaking of the devil, I’m glad you brought up the javelins.

Trump: I don’t remember mentioning “javelins.”

Zelensky: Yes, now you have said it. And we are ready to buy javelins from you.

Trump: Sure. We can talk more about our greatly excellent missiles, but first…

Zelenksy: No, I mean we need to buy actual javelins. Ukraine track and field has fallen on very hard times. Right now it’s mostly just track. So, some javelins, but we will also take some missiles. If not too much trouble. And maybe a case of double stuff Oreos.

Trump: Okay. But I would like you to do us a favor though because our country has been through a lot and Ukraine knows a lot about it. I would like you to find out what happened with Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Horrible. Just horrible. I guess you have one of your wealthy people, he’s apparently hiding the server that has the files with the good version of the movie on it. They say Ukraine has it somewhere. There are a lot of things that went on, the whole situation. So, we really need that because the new movie’s coming out soon, and it’s very important to our people. I would like to have the Attorney General call you or your people and I would like you to get to the bottom of it. Whatever you can do, it’s very important that you do it if that’s possible.

Zelensky: Yes, it is very important for me and everything that you just mentioned earlier. Especially the Last Jedi thing. We are ready to open a new page on cooperation in relations between the United States and Ukraine. For that purpose, I just recalled our ambassador from United States and he will be replaced by a very competent and very experienced ambassador who will work hard on making sure that our two nations are getting closer. He is actually American who got also dual Ukraine citizenship. His name is Hünter Bidensky. He is a former board member of Burisma, so really top-notch guy.

Trump: Fantastic. That’s great to hear.

Zelensky: I just wanted to assure you once again that you have nobody but friends around us. I also wanted to tell you that we are friends. We are great friends and you Mr. President have friends in our country so we can continue our strategic partnership where you sell me javelins and Javelin missiles and Oreos. And since we are such great friends, do you think I could get one of those new chicken sandwiches from Popeye’s?

Trump: I much prefer Kentucky Fried Chicken. Colonel Sanders is one of our very great patriots.

Zelensky: Oh, yes. Me, I think that too. Definitely KFC all the way. But I still want to try this famous sandwich from the Popeye’s. And in addition, I guarantee as the President of Ukraine that all the Star Wars investigations will be done openly and candidly.

Trump: I love Candy Land. Beautiful game. I used to love to play Candy Land with Ivanka when she was young. In fact, we played just last week at Mar-a-Lago.

Zelensky: Candy Land? I thought I said candidly. But we can talk about Candy Land if you want. Whatever you want Mr. President-best-friend-sir.

Trump: Okay, a lot of people are talking about the way they shut your very good prosecutor down and you had some very bad people involved. Mr. Giuliani is a highly respected man by Fox News. He was the mayor of New York City according to Google, a great mayor, and I would like him to call you. Rudy very much knows what’s happening and he is a very capable guy. If you could speak to him that would be great. And he can yell back at you and tell you what to do.

The other thing, there’s a lot of talk about one of our great sheriffs, Jim Hopper, that Hopper tried to stop the big Russian laser machine, but he got sucked into the Upside Down somehow and a lot of people want to find out about that. So, whatever you can do about it with the Attorney General would be great. Russia went around bragging that they had Hopper locked up in a dungeon with a demogorgon somewhere in Russia, so if you can look into it — it sounds horrible to me.

Zelensky: Yes, of course, we will do everything we can to locate Jim Hopper. I would kindly ask you if you have any additional information that you can provide to us, it would be very helpful for the investigation. And by the way, I can think of a few corrupt politicians I wouldn’t mind sending to this Upside Down. Heh, heh, heh.

Trump: Me too. Very much so. But you didn’t hear that from me. I will have Mr. Giuliani give you a call and I am also going to have Attorney General Bill Barr call and we will get to the bottom of it. I’m sure you will figure it out. So, good luck with everything. Your economy is going to get better and better I predict. Especially after you open Six Flags Over Chernobyl. I’ve seen the plans. Fantastic idea. It’s going to bring in so very many great tourists.

Zelensky: Thank you. Yes, we are very excited for the Six Flags. I can’t wait to ride the roller coaster called Meltdown. It is going to be lit for certain.

Trump: Well, you have a lot of big, beautiful assets in Ukraine. It’s a great country. I have many Ukraine friends. You crane. I crane. We all crane! They’re incredible people.

Zelensky: I would like to tell you that I also have quite a few Ukrainian friends that live in the United States. Actually last time I traveled to the United States, I stayed in New York near Central Park and I stayed at the Trump Tower. And it was greatest experience of my life. And I looked out my window at the most beautiful city and I close my eyes and imagine for moment that I am Donald Trump. And then I slap myself out of daydream because there can only be one President Donald Trump. Forever.

Trump: That sounds like a really really good daydream.

Zelensky: I would like to thank you very much for your support.

Trump: Good. Well, thank you very much and I appreciate that. I will tell Rudy and Bill Barr to call. Whenever you would like to come to the White House, feel free to call. But don’t call on Saturdays before noon because Melania likes to sleep in on Saturdays while I watch cartoons and eat Captain Crunch.

Zelensky: Yes, absolutely sir. Understood. You will never be getting calls from me on Saturdays in the morning. And I need to try this Captain Crunch. It sounds like breakfast of champions.

Trump: It’s so great. Definitely the crunchiest and the well-deserved captain of all cereal. Give us a date when you can visit and we’ll work that out.

Zelensky: Thank you very much. I would be very happy to come and would be happy to meet with you personally and get to know you better and maybe share bunks at Camp David and stay up late and play Candy Land.

After that, it might be a very good idea for you to travel to Ukraine. We can either take my plane — well, we call it a plane — actually more like cardboard box with hamster wheel. Or we can take your plane to Ukraine, which is probably much better than mine.

Trump: To be honest, why would we take your Ukraine plane? Mine has free Wi-Fi for tweeting and Diet Coke that comes out of all the faucets.

Zelensky: Thank you very much Mr. President. I would kill to take ride on Air Force One. Wait, are we being recorded? I did not mean actual kill…

Trump: No problem, we’re not on tape. Just some guys taking notes in the situation room. No big deal.

Zelensky: Whew! Thank you Mr. President. That is big relief. Take all the notes you want. Bye-bye.

[End of call.]